Sub-Arctic, Sub-Desert Soul Food - Collards
Warning: Rambunctious Language
This is the way I prepare collard greens for freezing.
Sub-Arctic, Sub-Desert Soul Food - Collards
Collard Greens are one of the easiest veggies to grow in the Sub-Arctic, Sub-Desert. The most common variety found in the local greenhouses and seed catalogs is “Champion” and this fucker is a mess. It is a non-heirloom variety, Franken-modified to grow uber-large. So what's the prob? In the Sub-Arctic, Sub-Desert, the 24-a-day photo-period causes this variety to get ginormous. And then some.
Again, you're thinking: “What's the problem?”
Collards are a plant that concentrates its sugars during freezing. As a result, the best time to pick them is after a good hard frost. Of course, by that time, the Champion variety has gotten so large freakin' large you could sew a handful of leaves together, toss 'em over a circular frame, and make a party yurt. Once the leaves are that size, they are also plenty tough, so your new party yurt will also be plenty durable.
There are two basic solutions to this problem: you can either plant them June 1st (planting out day here in the middle Tanana Valley) then later cook, and cook, and cook, 'em. Or, and I'm a fan of this, start them mid-season and harvest them before they become viable options for building materials. I put mine in, in mid-July, this year and while they got all kinds of big by the end of August, I'm harvesting some now (before the hard frost) only because I don't want them to get any bigger.
FYI: Collards are a cole plant so crop rotation is your friend!
Possible Shopping List:
Bottle of honey (molasses will do, preferably light if you can get it)
Freezer/microwave proof vacuum bags or plastic containers
Fletchers' Ends and Pieces of Bacon (or similar)
Bottle of wine (unless you are a “friend of Bill W.”)
Ingredients and Equipment:
At least one grocery bag of collard greens
Less than or equal to: amount of other greens (turnip, mustard, kale, chard, young dandelions, etc.)
Big-assed pot with a lid that fits – sorta (doesn't need to be a tight fit)
Your biggest chopping board
Your biggest knife
Your “everyday” cast iron skillet
Bottle of honey (molasses will do, preferably light if you got it)
Freezer/microwave proof vacuum bags or plastic containers
Fletchers' Ends and Pieces of Bacon
Bottle of wine (unless you are a “friend of Bill W.”)
Biggest colander you got
Water
Get all the Ingredients and Equipment out. You're gonna need them all. Especially the booze. Put about 2” of water in that big-assed pot. Set heat high enough to boil that water. Heat up cast iron skillet. Don't have one? Honey - that's your problem, not mine. Work it out, then get your behind to Value Village or some such place and get one. Thank me later when you don't get anemia in the middle of one of our long-assed winters.
Toss a few pieces of that Fletcher's bacon in the skillet and get that started. I like Fletcher's 'cause it has a smoky taste and a little goes a long way.
While the bacon is cooking, get started washing the collards. That's what the colander is for. Once they are washed (and you will probably need to do them in batches), roll 'em up, do a length-wise cut down the middle, then chop 'em up perpendicular to the length-wise cut (c'mon, that's 90 degrees to the length .. Sweet Jumpin' Jaysus! ... I went to Barnette and even I know that!).
Once the bacon has cooked, dump the meat and the fat into the water. Be careful, hot bacon fat into water will jump! Once that is done, pour yourself a glass of wine. You've done the most dangerous part; now you can start drinking.
Continue to wash and chop collards. Remember, this stuff shrinks when cooked so you need to stuff that pot all the way up.
Add the other greens to the pot. Have some more wine. Put in more collards. You aren't done till that pot is full.
Once the pot is stuffed, dump in the honey (or molasses). Don't be a fool, you aren't making candy. Just about 3-4 tablespoons will sweeten up your greens and help tenderize them. Thank me later,
Is the water boiling? Slap the lid on it, Pour yourself another glass. By the time you do that, there will be enough steam in the pot to justify turning the heat down to about medium.
Walk away for about a half hour. You've had what, about 3 glasses of wine? You need to sit down away.
After about a half hour check the pot. Make sure there's still liquid in there and add more water if not. Reduce heat some more and go away for about another half hour. You should be just sober enough to put things away and start cleaning up.
Note: if you have extra un-cooked greens, back off the booze for a bit. You'll need to cook those too and fucking around with hot bacon grease while drunk is not going be your finest hour.
Check the pot. At this point if you think: “What the fuck happened to all those greens?” then you are in good shape. The shrinkage is dramatic, especially if you've been nursing those fuckers along in your garden all summer.
Turn off the heat and let cool. Drinky,
Once the greens have cooled down to tepid, put 'em in some containers and stick 'em in the fridge overnight, DO NOT DRAIN THEM!!
Okay, Soul Food Factoid #1: The liquid that you cook your greens in is called “pot likker.” As in “liquor” but pronounced with attitude. And if you do it right (and I just told you how), that likker is liquid gold. Between the bacon fat, honey and the juice of the greens, this is the stuff that will make your mama and daddy (or two mamas, or two daddies, or one mama, or one daddy, or the whole fucking village) proud. Taste it.
I'll wait.
Soul Food Factoid #2: Greens should NEVER be eaten the day they are cooked. They need to sit in that good pot likker at least overnight to just get started.
The next day: while nursing your hangover (which you have because you didn't drink any water, did ya'? You didn't want to get up in the middle of the night to go pee, did ya'? ... you lazy git), ladle the greens into whatever freezer containers/vacuum bags you use. Be sure to add the pot likker! Freeze 'em up.
Handy Hint: I mainly use vacuum sealed bags. I put the greens and pot likker in the bags, then prop them upright in a plastic container, and freeze. Once the greens and pot likker are frozen, then – and only then – do I seal the bag, usually on “Dry.” That way I only have to microwave or stick the bag in boiling water to heat up and eat.
Come the dead of winter: get out that everyday cast iron skillet and make a batch of skillet cornbread. Do up some red beans and rice, adding some chopped onions and grated cheese to them beans. Microwave those greens. Turn off the cell, the Facebook, the Twitter and the NPR. Eat. SAVOR.
Now thank me.
In the present day: hold some greens out for dinner. Come din-din time, toss some raw onions into that skillet with some light olive oil (or canola oil). Heat up those greens. Once the onions are cooked and the greens are warm, put 'em together with some black beans and white rice (aka “Christians and Moors”) topped with a little cilantro, plain yogurt and a little grated cheese. Salt, pepper and garlic to taste. Take this mess to eat into another room – no one needs to hear you moaning like that.
Lagniappe: As a kid, we always had Trappey's Hot Peppers in the house. Essentially it is Tabasco peppers in vinegar with some other stuff like turmeric, We splashed on top of all our greens, including the dandelions I picked from the backyard. It's not currently in the stores here in Fairbanks, so I'd recommend harassing friends who make flavored vinegar into doing some or making your own.
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